Last night, my husband came home from work late, and after giving me a hello kiss (he’s always good about that), he went into our office to get some music going. If you know my husband, you know that the man can’t stand to sit in silence. Or read in silence, wash dishes in silence, even use the bathroom in silence! If it’s not some Lady Gaga/electronic/techno/beat-thumping music he’s discovered on YouTube, it’s his own whistling or improvisational song lyrics he feels compelled to belt throughout the whole house. I’m not complaining – this is actually one of the many things I love about him. But I will admit that sometimes (aka more times than not) the sheer volume of it all is just a little much. Especially when the music is cranked to 11, blowing out the speakers (is it common for someone to want to hear music – from every room – over the sound of the vacuum cleaner??)
Anyway, as he was surfing through the computer to find his genre du jour, he came across my blog dashboard that I had forgotten to close out. When he came back into the living room to sit with me, he asked if I had been researching OCD.
I immediately felt embarrassed.
Up until this point, I had not told anyone I was writing a blog, not even him. Of course, he knows I have OCD and is always supportive of anything I find useful to help with the symptoms, but I wasn’t quite ready to share my blog with anyone. At least not with people I know.
Since I blew my own cover, I told him he was more than welcome to read my work, but I made him promise not to tell anyone that I was writing it. He agreed, and we went on with our night.
But it made me think. Why am I so ashamed of this blog? Why have I decided not to share it with anyone? Is it really that embarrassing to acknowledge that I have OCD? I think what I fear most is what my friends and family will think. Will they feel differently about me? Will they judge or read into everything I do from here on out once they all know? Will they think I’m being over-dramatic? I don’t know, and I’m not sure I’m ready to find out.
However, I do know that mental health doesn’t have to be such a taboo subject. Yes, there are certain stigmas that surround mental disorders and the people who battle the symptoms day-in and day-out. But if more people talked about it and helped others understand it, maybe we could eliminate the stigma and encourage people to seek help.
Don’t expect me to share my stories with my friends or family anytime soon. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for, but I’m just not ready.
But one day I will, I promise.
Just not yet.